Pulled Heart

My heart is pulled in many directions.

My best friend is moving away. It hurts. I want so much to be excited for her and her family but I’m aching.

My sister is getting a divorce. I believe it is probably the best thing for her but again, it hurts. I was a child of a broken home and I hate to think of my nephew and niece going through any of that.

My grandpa is dying. He has cancer that has spread extensively through his body. He is not likely to live for very long. A little over two years ago, his wife passed away and it really shook me. She was the first grandparent I lost and eight months later, my grandpa on the other side of the family passed away, too. When my mom’s dad dies, I will only have one surviving grandparent. It is part of life but my mom’s parents have always been so very dear to my heart. My grandpa found a place in my daughter’s heart as well and this will hurt for her, too. I hate to see my babies grieving, especially when they are so young. Two years ago, I wrote this goodbye to my grandma. I never expected to be writing another goodbye so soon.

I know that I will move on from these things, focus on the less-important tasks of packing and fixing my house so we can move on from our eight hundred square feet into something with a bit more elbow room. I look forward to that change. I look forward to someday doing what my friend is doing – moving somewhere that calls to my heart, to Whitehorse.

I long for a quiet in the storm, a break from pain. For just a moment. I said to Mike last night that I think this is enough. Enough.

And yet when I think on it, I know that these things impact me but are not the worst I could experience. I know this very well. It is not a child or even a parent dying or moving away. I have a home, I have a husband who loves me and healthy children. I do not take these things for granted. But I do hope for that calm and peace to wash over me. Father God, please wash me in your peace today.

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