There have only been a handful of people in my life who have made negative comments about my body or insulted me due to my weight. Sadly, some of them were very close family members who had no idea of the impact their words would have for many, many years. However, it has still only been a handful – I was not overly heavy as a child or teenager and so it wasn’t something I dealt with outside of my own thoughts. It has also not been an issue for a long time. Occasionally my kids say something about my squishy belly or I hear comments from a medical professional that sting a bit, but otherwise, it’s not a part of my life. Most of the things rattling around in my head on this subject come from stinging memories and current societal standards.
So when I look at myself in the mirror and cringe, there is often a little voice that says, “Who told you?”
“Who told you that you’re fat?”
“Who told you that you’re ugly?”
“Who told you that all your friends and family spend their spare time talking about your weight behind your back?”
Those first three words are the words God spoke to Adam in the garden in Genesis chapter three. “Who told you that you were naked?” There was no shame before, no need to cover themselves. And nowhere does it say that the serpent pointed out their nudity, either. They knew that they were naked because the serpent (Satan) now had access to them in a way he hadn’t before. He told them and they called it their own thoughts.
I know many people won’t want to hear this, and many people will disagree with this. But I believe it.
I believe it and yet I cannot seem to turn those voices off. The ones that have been calling me fat, lazy, ugly, stupid for so much of my life. I can weep with a deep pain in my heart from the stinging memories of words spoken when I was young and yet I listen to those voices all the time.
I’ve carried and given birth to seven babies. My body has done a lot for me. I know I could do better with how I eat and how often I exercise, but I also know that if I continue to listen to those voices, no physical change I make is going to help me. I might look better from the outside – I might even feel better carrying around less weight. But I will still be a slave to that serpent and the lies he whispers.
I want to answer that small voice – the one that speaks with compassion and truth. I want to say, “That didn’t come from you! It didn’t even come from me. I don’t want to listen to lies.” I want to take my thoughts captive, to learn again how to make them obedient to Christ. I want to, I know how to, I just don’t know if I will. That’s me being honest. Honest with myself, first and foremost. I said years ago, “Never again,” but here we are again. I’ve been fighting depression and losing, giving into those voices again even after amazing victories in the past. I know what to do, but at the moment, it is just incredibly overwhelming to consider what it will take.
So pray for me, please. Pray for the strength I need to fight this battle again. I want to be present for my kids and my husband, able to speak life into other women who are in the trenches as well. I want to be whole and well even more than I want to be thin.
< I’ve turned commenting off on this post. I don’t want to have an argument about theology or read comments about how I can safely lose weight, which anti-depressant to take or which line of supplements will make my life perfect again. I am just too vulnerable and tired for any of that right now. >