At least once a year, the urge to reinvent myself takes over. It often happens near the New Year but sometimes in the fall, when school is starting again and everyone seems to have a clean slate. In the last week, I have dyed my hair and gotten new glasses, so I suspect the urge is here again.

As I was thinking on things I could do to magically transform into a different kind of person, I remembered that yet again, I did not get family pictures printed or write a newsletter or send Christmas cards. I didn’t bake for my friends and I didn’t knit anything for family members. In my earlier years of motherhood and marriage, I did all of those things every year. I was organized and on time and the reason for all of this (in my opinion) is that my kids were young and still took naps. I’m also certain that this is why I blogged an awful lot more nine or ten years ago than I do now. I just had more time.

I have perfectly good reasons for doing things differently now, or for not doing things. But somehow I always feel that life would be better and feel more “real” if I still managed all of that and more. When it comes down to it, I feel that I just don’t measure up right now. I suppose those are mostly my own standards but they are also standards set by family members or other stay at home moms. I know deep down that I don’t have to live up to them but they still hang there like flashing neon signs.

I have been reinventing one area in my life lately and feel that I’ve made a lot of progress in making it something for my good instead of something I have to do. I have so often read my Bible quickly – one chapter at a time, alternating books in the Old and New Testaments. For a few months now, I’ve been reading a book I feel led to read and writing at least one page on a verse that stands out to me and my thoughts on it. It feels good, like studying for the enjoyment of the subject versus studying to pass a test. I’m meeting once a month with a small group of friends to pray and encourage each other and that has also been a blessing instead of feeling like an obligation or responsibility.

But still this desire to change other things is there. To become organized, efficient, more frugal. To cook more and eat out less, to exercise regularly. I know that what works best is small changes over time, that trying to turn my world upside down all at once will be a failure every time. There are just so many times when I try to work on the little things and get busy, distracted and tired. The next thing I know, I’m right back where I started.

These are just my thoughts today. I wish I had an answer, a light bulb moment to show me how to get past this or accomplish it. I don’t. I just needed to write.


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